WORM'S EYE

Youth and Idealism

(My commencement speech to the graduates of 2004. Just don't ask me to deliver it.)

I remember someone saying that the Philippines has no strong civic culture. I wonder if he said something that's true.

In places like LA and New York City, or so I read, you can make a list of the most obscure social advocacies and you are sure to find local watchdogs guarding their zone fiercely. Try to hold a cockfight (which is illegal), for instance, and animal rights group members will instantaneously come out of the woodwork in defense of a poor bloodied rooster.

I recall here two separate scenes from two movies I had watched during the controversial Manila Filmfest. (Best Picture should have gone to Dekada ’70 and Best Story/Screenplay should have been given to Lualhati Bautista. Best Actor should have been Christopher de Leon and Best Actress should have been Ate Vi. What a tragicomic fiasco for the local film industry that was! An exhibition of all the known weaknesses of the Filipino, if I must say so.)

The first scene is from Dekada 70. Over lunch or dinner, Christopher de Leon's character tells his son (portrayed with amazing believability by Piolo Pascual), an underground left-wing student activist, not to carry the problem of the world on his shoulders. “You’re still very young,” de Leon lectures over dinner, “so stay young, enjoy your youth.”

For a moment, I nearly went on the verge there because de Leon's line reminded me of what well-meaning people close to me always tell me.

The second scene is from Agimat ni Lolo, which I watched with much hesitation, if only to see its P40-million SFX. Gina Alajar’s character this time admonishes her prepubescent son (played by Bong Revilla’s clone Jolo), the same exact line: “Anak, huwag mong pasanin ang problema ng mundo.” But her lecture is annotated at length: “It is arrogant to think yourself as important," Gina Alajar explains, "that you have to leave the world something of impact,” or a nice script to that effect.

That struck me to the core: "Am I being arrogant?"

These two movie scripts were too coincidental to leave it to statistics. Talk about perfect timing, or synchronicity. Just a few days back, I told one of my trusted spiritual gurus that I had prayed long ago for God to give me whatever frustrations He had reserved for certain members of my family, with the cocky self-assurance that I can handle problems better than they could because I knew God better, etc. It was my idea of sacrificial love.

“Never pray that kind of prayer!” my spiritual guru fulminated, in turn quoting another guru from the recent past. "Who do you think you are, a savior?"

So then and there I denounced and renounced that kind of prayer as a big mistake. As my guru pointed out, again quoting that other guru from the recent past, “Your relatives' set of problems is their own set of problems. It’s for them to handle, and it was particularly sent to them because God knew they could take it, He will provide them a way around their own problems."

"What if you can’t take it?" my guru propounded. He actually meant, "What if you can't take what was not yours in the first place?" Once again, with feeling, he said, "Stop playing Jesus Christ!”

Now I wasn't just being arrogant. I was actually being messianic!

This reminded me of a priest's (Fr. Armand Robleza, SDB) tangentially related sermon: "Stick to your own problem. Tutal, gamay mo na yan, sanay ka na. (After all, you are used to it.)"

Of course God knows that playing Jesus Christ in title role is far from my mind. I was just offering myself as a willing sacrifice, that's all – I didn’t realize it then as equivalent to playing Christ. After all, aren’t all Christians told to emulate Christ? I know I was quite offended by the remark that I was playing Christ, for it implied that I'm so proud of myself that I’d ever think I could be some kind of god. Have I been viewing myself as someone a bit too stronger than the truth? a bit too important in my own estimation?

Nevertheless, those lines opened my eyes to a personal predilection that must finally give way: I should stop playing roles only God can play. I should stop being frustrated, for instance, when Filipinos stay the way they are – complacent Christians, superstitious, contradictory followers of folk Catholicism, a carinderia Christianity. To understand the Filipino is to forgive the Filipino for his/her faults, I began the resolve. I should stop being frustrated by the things I see in other people, in society, that I deem wrong, I told myself. It’s a free country, so anyone can do whatever he or she pleases.

But, still, I am left disturbed in some way. That everything has its karmic effect in the end is beside the point. Granted that it’s not my job to change people, it’s not my job to change society, my only job is to change myself, etc. etc., how come I am also being told that I am the "salt of the earth"?

Since I have embraced a more renewed brand of spirituality, I have been taught that a true disciple has no choice but to "evangelize." He’s got to be a herald of the Good News, if not an agent of change. That’s what being “the salt of the earth” means. "Of what use is salt if it loses its saltiness?" And I haven’t even begun to mention my UP background (“Kung hindi ikaw ay sino pa? Kung hindi ngayon ay kailan pa?” – translated into Kris Aquino lingo as “If not you, who pa? If not now, when pa?”)

Was there something wrong in my logic somewhere? Is this uncanny confluence of movie scripts telling me to be apathetic, to shrink back to my selfish center and occupy myself with my concerns alone instead? Is it wrong to want to make a difference in life and leave a mark in this world at all? Aren’t Filipinos being constantly blamed for their lack of foresight, grander visions and the drive to take the high road, to espouse loftier goals? (I refer you to Nick Joaquin’s A Heritage of Smallness.) Is ambition all wrong and all blind? Am I naturally afflicted with a form of megalomania? Am I guilty of the same transgressions as leftists, rightists, separatists, rebellious revolutionaries?

Haven't we stumbled into something awful here? One of the things I feel bad about being Filipino is the realization that many of us Filipinos are so selfish and we don't even try to hide it. We tend to ask first, “What’s in it for me?” "Is it good for me (or at least my family)?", and never “How can I be of help to the community, to others?” And when we find a little voice crying, “I want to make a difference,” we are quick to react, “What made you think you can change the world?” “Ba’t mo pinapasan ang problema ng mundo?”

Isn't this the surest way to kill activism and at least social awareness and civic-mindedness? Nipping the bud right in the family, right at the dinner table, right at home, right in the heart of the youth?

***

Speaking of youth and idealism, the blogs of these young people come to mind. I like these people for their idealism, no matter their positions in the political spectrum. I am worried that they possess the spirit of an 'old soul,' too prematurely old for their age, too early to occupy themselves with adult matters. I am doubly worried, however, that they could lose it very easily very soon.

I guess this one key word should ring resoundingly in the mind of idealistic youth: Balancing.